Betrayal Trauma

What Is Betrayal Trauma?

As researched by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, betrayal trauma is a deeply painful experience that reflects a rupture between trust in something or someone and the need to continue the relationship despite being betrayed. This paradox between betrayal and the continuation of the relationship is often confusing for the experiencer and their loved ones. Experiencers are asked questions like, “If they were that awful to you, then why are you staying? Why haven’t you left?” Or, if they’ve tried ending the relationship, they may be asked, “Why are you still upset? Why are you letting them get the best of you? It’s time to move on!” While these questions are asked out of concern or care, they can leave the experiencer feeling more confused, ashamed, misunderstood, and helpless. When someone feels this way, their world tends to become even smaller as they isolate themselves.

If you can’t help but ask yourself or a loved one the above questions, it may be helpful to learn more about the evolutionary roots of betrayal trauma. From a survival standpoint, it’s not usually beneficial for us to return to a person or place that has caused us harm. However, if the person or institution that betrayed us also provides authority, stability, or security, suddenly, parts of our survival may depend on continuing the relationship. Survival extends past our physical needs, like shelter and access to resources. It can also be an emotional need that’s being fulfilled by the relationship as well. As a result, experiencers of betrayal trauma consciously or unconsciously minimize the betrayal and its impact on other facets of their well-being.

Betrayal trauma can be such a visceral experience because the pain has been inflicted by someone who took advantage of our vulnerability when least expected. It’s utterly devastating when the rug is pulled out from under us, and at the same time, we desperately want the perceived security of the relationship back. Ultimately, we’re wired for survival, and there are a myriad of complexities that come with that.

What Does Betrayal Trauma Look Like, and Where Does It Come From?

Betrayal trauma can share symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but it deviates from diagnostic descriptions of PTSD, as it does not necessarily require one to encounter a life-threatening or violent event. As such, learning of a partner’s infidelity is a common precipitating event that leads to experiencing betrayal trauma. However, betrayal trauma can still occur following a life-threatening or violent event, like sexual or physical abuse.

Circumstantial signs or symptoms associated with betrayal trauma can include:

Difficulty remembering details of the event(s) that resulted in betrayal
Feeling stuck or frozen
Difficulty naming, processing, and describing your emotions
Feeling numb, shut down, and withdrawn from others
Feeling ashamed, violated, humiliated
Wanting to protect the person or institution that betrayed you
Being self-critical and questioning what’s “wrong” with you
Anxiety and trouble concentrating
Being hyperaware of yourself or others around you
Difficulty trusting others OR trusting others too quickly
Fawning, saying “yes”, or being nice to keep others happy or calm
Difficulty trusting yourself to make decisions, or making decisions that often have negative consequences
Being hyperindependent OR overly relying on others and their opinions
Self-harm or intense distress

Here are some examples of events that can lead to experiencing betrayal trauma:

Relational:

Abuse or manipulation in childhood by a family member or other trusted individual
Abuse, control, or manipulation in adulthood by a trusted individual
Learning about family secrets
Infidelity
Learning of a partner’s addiction after being misled
Learning of a partner’s financial instability after being misled
Being coerced into questioning your reality, thoughts, and feelings
Having your personal or intimate information shared without your consent

Institutional (e.g., universities, workplaces, the military, etc):

Experiencing discrimination, racial trauma, or oppression from trusted individuals or institutions
An institution’s broken promises or its failure to protect you from harm
Reporting institutional experiences of abuse or harassment and being disbelieved or denied care
Being fired or let go without reasoning

How Can Therapy Help You Recover from Betrayal Trauma?

Growth through betrayal trauma can be done individually and/or with your partner, depending on your goals. If you’re channeling the courage to start therapy, you deserve a unique personalized experience that reflects your intuition and growth. A good first step is to slow down and truly validate what you’ve experienced. Recovery from betrayal trauma does not have to include voicing every devastating detail of what you’ve endured. Instead, we’ll focus on the meaning you’ve assigned to the experiences and explore new language that accurately captures the event(s) and your feelings about them. This is a crucial step in owning the injustice instead of protecting or minimizing it. Compassionate witnessing from yourself and/or your partner is invaluable. In tandem, we’ll explore the costs and benefits of your current responses to yourself and the event, and why you feel you must do so. Doing so unlocks the path to becoming unstuck and gaining momentum.

Trauma lives in our minds and bodies; we must honor both of these systems. Gaining deeper meaning and freedom through language is one part of recovery from betrayal trauma. We also must integrate how your body and nervous system are responding as well, as their guidance and role extend beyond logic and words. We’ll explore how your body is holding the trauma and preventing you from connecting with yourself and others. We’ll then shift to noticing how it feels when you learn how to release these automatic responses. This work includes exploring somatic experiences that stabilize your sense of safety, belonging, and joy. Integrating our minds and bodies through clearer wisdom allows us to reclaim our humanity and pleasure. There is no greater feat than fully living an intimate, authentic life after believing you were neither deserving nor capable.

PCT clinicians who specialize in this area

Dr. Aadila Lynch

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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